Blog
Two Dead Plants
I removed a dead plant from my room today. A month ago I threw away another dead plant which was a gift from a very good friend. Two dead plants in two months, what does that say about me?
To put it simply, I’m exhausted. Between a day job, playing in two bands, a club to run, the editor of a newsletter, table tennis, salsa lessons, french course, a personal life and other engagements I sometimes find myself miraculously entangled in, no wonder I turned into a plant killer. There is an infinite expanse of weariness in me that I’m not dealing with. Or I simply do not have the time to. I’m neglecting my commitments in the flat. By the time I get home, I’m always too tired to take care of things like bringing out the thrash and other house chores. And I know I should know better than this, having lived with other people for the past six years of my life.
The thing is, I know I’m doing my best. In what? I’m not so sure. To forget, to fill-in-the-blanks, to stretch my boundaries, to test my limits, to feel fulfilled, to feel, to un-feel, I don’t know. Maybe a little bit of each. And I’m happy in a wretched masochist way. I have this unquenchable need to be on the go or else I feel like I’m withering away, or not doing enough. It saps away my spirit, but I don’t know how else to live.
And I miss home. Distance and time difference is a bitch. Bro just started working a few weeks ago and I’m anxious to know how is he doing. I promised to talk to him when I am free but haven’t yet so far. The nagging feeling that I’m missing out on one of his most important milestone is gnawing me inside.
I’m going to Japan in six days but I’m not thrilled about it, I’m more worried about all the things I have yet to do before I depart. Even while I’m writing this, I have a million and one thing going through my mind. I want a crafted post, a thoughtful one, but all I can manage right now is incoherence and depthless laments. Again, I know I can do better than this. And it pains me to realize that in the course of trying to do the best for everyone else, I end up sabotaging my very own passion. Isn’t it an irony that we never really live for ourselves no matter how hard we try to convince ourselves otherwise?
I’m trying to carve out my own path in the world and its both challenging and exciting, I know. And did you notice how many I-knows I have used in this post? A-ha, right there. The heart of my issues. The truth is I never really know, I just get pretty damn good in convincing myself that I do, and then armed with this naivete I enthusiastically embark on one after another merry-go-rounds until my head starts spinning and my orientation gets wobbly and confused. Fun, isn’t it? The fact of the matter is, I need to prioritize. I need to think more and do less, to hell with whatever ‘winning theory’ all those conceited pseudo millionaires try to stick down my throat.
And I need to sleep, like… right now.