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Not Per Se

I have a default feeling.

I remember when I was younger, like 13 or 14, my default feeling was one of an intense red. I felt everything with a magnifying glass and most of the time I was on a natural high of delirium. And then there was 15 where my default feeling was dark. And when I was 16 or 17 I turned light again. I was a delightful young gal, minus all the subtle mockery of the word ‘gal’ but with more spices on top. I then remember turning 18, and then 19, and then 20. I felt like a melting pot of different hues. But most of the time I can still differentiate the shades. And then from 21 to 25 the colour coding stopped. It got complicated and the shape-shifting phase was full of crossroads. It was colourful, painful and exciting, but I felt less.

Nowadays I have less default feeling. Through some divine intervention I learned to make myself feel a certain emotion and spend less time being default anymore. But some parts of that damn pump tells me that I am masking myself with a transparent but non-foolproof defensive facade.

I hope it comes with an expiry date, because I miss being red.



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